Colour

I stole my father's palette few year ago. It has been hidden in the bottom of my desk drawer until very recently when I decided to start drawing again. I've been thinking of dad and his life journey a lot since I was pregnant. As I look at the palette and its dry and cracked water colour, I wonder if I have also mistakenly stolen my father's colour of life and left him all the misery. So he starts to hate, to blame everyone else but himself...

28 weeks

Stepping on scale every week is exciting and frustrating sometimes. Though I could feel I might gain quite a bit of weight this week, it was still shocking to see I have gained 1.2kg this week. It takes more time to do things, and it's easier to get tired. Time become more important to me and I can feel time's ticking...

I'd love to say "Baby girl is growing healthily" but we never 100% sure until the day we see her arrive...Baby girl is growing normally, she start moving stronger and sometimes it's like she's kicking to response to us. Sometimes she's kicking like crazy so i wonder if she's having a chasing dream deep in my tummy; Sometimes she's roving like a fish, i wonder if she's having a good time swimming in the water; Sometimes she's quiet like I've never been pregnant, i wonder if she's having a deep nap under my warmth.

Backache is my major suffering everyday, I'm glad that Kevin's really caring and giving me massage whenever i ask for. To watch him talking over my tummy to our little girl is the most beautiful and well-beings thing in my life, it's all worthy to see that at the end.

We're talking about how baby girl is going to signal us her arriving, and we're both excited, more nervous and scared... Now I believe Human's limitation can be pushed if you want to survive, if you want to see the next level. I'm looking forward to seeing my growth soon.

watercolour

To make me pick up the brushes I've stolen from my father and started painting is from becoming one of the Facebook member of Water-Wheel Project.

Water-Wheel is a place for any inspiration and opinions related to water and is interactive. Somehow, by seriously thinking of how I could participate this project, there has form a place for me to also look at my art practice: Dance and Visual Arts (photography and painting).

I have never been professionally trained as an painter or visual artist, but because my father used to be a watercolour painter and graphic designer, my interest in graphic design has become part of my art practice now.

I spent my afternoon today to look at some watercolour painting footages and tutorial online and also practicing my painting technique. I'm not very happy with the outcome, but at least it is a start and I enjoy keeping on practicing.

Watercolour is very feminine to me. It's gentle, colorful, and sensitive in a sense that draws my attention.

Is there a relation to my choreographic process and idea attention, too? Am I going to find out the answer if I keep on painting? At least I'm doing something and trying to figure it out. That's all the matter, so far.

no return

There was an empty cattle train (over 20 empty carriages) next to my train on the way to the city. I could smell their food grass and scent but seeing them on the train. A brutal story started in my mind and it reminded me of Hitler killing Jewish people.

We were just sitting still, playing cold.

27 weeks

Family portrait

Art

Do I make art?
Why do I make art?


What is art?


Do I talk about art?
Why do I talk about art?
Do I talk about creating art?
Why don't I talk about creating art?
Am I not brave enough to talk about art?
Why am I too scared to talk about creating art?


Do I have an opinion?


Is correct answer important?
Is there only one correct answer?
Why correct answer is important to me?
can I change my answer?
why do I want to change my answer?
when do I change my answer?

What is art?


Are questions more interesting than their answers?

Glucose Tolerance Test

I went to have Glucose Tolerance Test done this early morning. Our white car didn't really want to take us there,  Kevin couldn't started our car so I had to call a taxi for a 2 minutes and $11 ride, praying for not being late for the appointment.

3 days before the test, I was asked to have my normal diet plus having a total of 10 serves (each day) of the following food: potato, fruit, bread, rice, pasta, soft drink, sweet, milk, and one more thing I couldn't remember. For example, 4 pieces of toast, 3 apples, 2 glasses of milk, and 1 potato are 10 serves. Also, my Glucose Tolerance Test appointment started at 9.30am this morning, fasting from 10.30pm last night was also required. I was only allowed water. Luckily, I don't normally eat late. This didn't trouble me.

It was quite a hard job for me, though I only choose food only from the above, I hardly reach the goal of 10 serves. It was too much for me, but I was proud that I achieved the requirement. I guess I will be gain more weight when I stand on the stressful scale tomorrow.

There was a patient talking with the examiner when I just arrived, so i didn't start the test until 10am. I had my first blood test, my blood sugar was 4.9 which was perfectly normal (normal human blood sugar: 4-6). Then I was asked to drink a bubbly fanta-like soft drink in 5 minutes and would have another 2 more blood test in 2 the following 2 hours.

The examiner said my long sleeve was so tight that made too much pressure that it ended up a bruised and sore left elbow (like the picture above). And because my veins were too skinning to find, I had 3 pinholes (i only need 2) on my right arm. Both arms were too sore to move and lift my hand bag. Luckily Kevin had just arrived in time to buy me a Tim Tam and carry my bag for me. Otherwise, I guess I would have fainted from the fasting and seeing too much of my blood giving away.

Make sure you have a little pack of chocolate in your hand bag when you do this test, you will crave for food right away!

2 more stitches?

We went to Mother Mather Hospital for double checking my little bean's potential of having down syndrome today. Because Morphology Scan is required to be done during 18-20 week pregnancy, with my 26 weeks now, there's no such sample we can look at for the down syndrome so our scan specialist could only check if our baby's some parts were growing equally and normally.


According to the limited morphology scan, my health conditions and background, the potential of down syndrome stays low, and lower than the risk of having Amniocentesis test. However we could still decide to have further Amniocentesis done if we insist. Kev and I were happy and believing in our faith, so we decided not to do the further test and continue our new parenting journey.


One thing that caught my eyes were our little bean's head circumference is already 24cm! Gee...i cannot imagine by the labor time's near, how much bigger her head could be and I guess maybe I will need 2 more stitches after her arrival?

Thanks for Mother Mater Hospital, I got to experience having a scan in their hospital, too. Unlike our previous scan,we are very satisfied with their team, and how they describe things throughout the whole scan without leaving us questioning. All the midwives, staffs, and doctors were very friendly and showing their passion when we saw them working. Also, Mother Mater Hospital provide a very relax and friendly environment and facilities. I don't feel any stress or fear when walking into the place and enjoy being their, too.

I see!

Now he's found someone else that is "more important" than me, so I have become useless.

Bitter not sweet

I found this picture when skimming through some photos I took in Tasmania. Since then, I still can smell the freshness of the grass along our road trip.


Port Arthur, where used to place thousands of prisoners for Australia and England in history. I would love to live here until death as a prisoner if I got to see this beautiful scenery everyday. It was a historical, slightly sad place where kind of reflects to the whole Tasmania. I like their euro like buildings with vintage look. This place has never been fully developed before it starts to wither.


This image reminds me of father sketch practice when he was at uni. I enjoy chasing the line on the papers, so I feel the purity of joy, imagining how grateful he used to be drawing with a dream. Sadly, dad is not like that any more. He has the stereotype of "artist personality" that is (I might be very wrong) overly pride, bad mood, overly insistent, lack of communication with others because he believed so much there was no one could understand him and he ridiculously trust that the only one who understand him will need to say no more. Hence, he didn't get to survive in the majority of society, he has his eyes on the top of his head so he could see no one, trust no one... As time passed, he's still holding a great dream with less and very little confidence deep in his mind, he become even more harsher to people around to hide his sense of inferiority, protecting himself from being criticized or corrected. I see him bullying himself, hiding himself in a dark cage...


The more I look at his sketch, the sadder I become, but I can only see this happening to him. Family is like this, generation is like this, isn't it?

Life pancake

On the other night before we went to bed, I lied on my pillow and asked Kevin,


"when do you think you're going to stop financially supporting our kid, to start them being independent"?


"Once they're 18, i recon they should be out and experience, rising themselves", answered Kev.


Let's say we're going to live until 80, then we die. I will be spending Maximum 20 years with my 2 kids (one is not in my tummy, waiting to land at the end of Oct this year, and we plan to have the another one before I reach my 30, in 2 years time), then they're going to move out, learning to be independent at my age of 50, and I will spend my rest of ideal 30 years with Kevin, hopefully travel around the world and enjoy.


There're only 20 years with my children...


Compare to my own life time frame, I have only spent 15 year in the family with my parents, 10 years with my younger daughter, and 3 years with my younger brother. I left home when my brother was only 3 years of age. This scares me... If my brother and I are not blood related, he wouldn't remember me at all!


I think this is easier to live in my first 15 year at home. Since then, there has been a very weird kind of emotion and homesick happened to me. I eager for parents care at the same time I avoid their caring and concern, I look for feeling the love from my parent however at the same time I am too scared to share my stories. I miss them, but I'm too scared to contact them.


Now, I'm becoming someone else's parent, there's another weird of emotion quietly formed...

24weeks

Reached my 24 weeks of pregnancy.

Baby bean's started effecting my activities a lot now, so I've wondered how many more photos I can take before labour? I don't feel like missing out beautiful and photogenic performances.

Op. feminine

Quite a lot people suggest that my photos are very feminine. I thought that is simply because most of the performance I have photographed are choreographed by female artists, and also I look into the details while photographing: a gaze of distance, a moment of eye blinking, a move of a fingertip...etc. I have started wondering if there's a work I can bring my photography to a different atmosphere, and how can a work influence my photography and post editing process.

I guess this series of photographs do brings me another different thoughts to it. Do you say this is manly v.s feminine? I'm not sure. Instead of working on the details, I was looking at the atmosphere that the audience brought to the show and how much the audience's energy changed the performance, too. Clapping, cheering, and yelling... a big fighting cage in a dusty dark room covered by black plastic material. A sense of underground and sin inspired me. I spent less time in doing the post editing that doesn't mean the quality is less. There's a different way of approaching I have felt. The photos are needed the roughness and noisy.. dirty kind of fill and that ends up of the outcome I have brought.

MakeShift

The most beautiful thing in the world is to be able to create, to breath hard. I'm amazed by MakeShift collectives.

To name

Took a photo last night before heading to my bed. Just realized my tummy wasn't perfectly round....Hmm...interesting, but is it normal i wondered.


Friends start asking baby bean's name and I feel slightly disturbed when i wasn't able to answer the question over and over again. Though we've already have her name in Chinese (Wei-Fan), I guess it's better for her having an English name that's easier to remember.


How's Olivia sound? Baby bean is supposed to land in October, so I started with the letter "O". I have checked naming dictionary: Olivia is a name from one of Shakespear's operas, symbol of peace and fruitfulness. Maybe she'll be thoughtful and sweet, I might have a peaceful journey while raising her up.


I also like "Sophie", meaning: wisdom. I know the name from a book called "Sophie's World", by Jostein Gaarder. I like the character of Sophie, slightly quirky and cleaver, questioning ordinary things and unique personality. Maybe I will have headaches by getting too many questions from her curiosity, but this will be fun, isn't it?


Olivia sounds peaceful, Sophie sounds fun and a little mess... should I choose an easy or hard life?


...to be continued...

36hrs raining

I went to photograph a press for a friend of mine's theatre production "La Voix Humaine" (Human Voice, it's now showing at La Boite Theatre from now til the 14th of July)


Different from dance productions, drama/theatre productions requires a lot more stage settings.  When i just arrived, three stunning performers were still plotting with the lighting designer and stage manager. Each steps, spoken lines could be the cue, and I was very amazed by the profession of all the performers and production team.


It was just lovely to be involved, though i was only there for a short 2 hours, I felt like one of them. I photographically documented this work in last year (2011), they were still developing this work and trying to get more funding; This year, they are performing again with a better stage settings, costumes, and lightings... this is wonderful to see their growth, and huge success... I'm very honored to be involved again, and hopefully i can bring a better series of photo to somehow help them to the next level~ Chookas, La Voix Humaine!

Sunny again

Finally a late afternoon phone call from Mater Mother's Hospital threw the stone of my shoulder away. Patiently waiting has finally paid back in a good result! There's no Amniocentesis needed and our baby bean is fine now~


I had a wonderfully peaceful sleep last night, waking up the next morning with Kevin's palm on my tummy...This is our family, my lovely family~


Am I going to feel her moving soon?

Patient

A few days after the terrifying appointment with my GP, I am finally calm as normal. It'll be a lie if I say I don't care or I'm not worry, but I guess this is the cost of living, being a mother. I can never imagine this fully until I made my decision to develop our family, having a child, now, it's passed the imagination to the real facts, happens everyday, any moment.


We're still waiting for the phone call from Mater Mother's Hospital to have an Amniocentesis test...The waiting is sometimes frustrating. However there's nothing I can do really, but being patient...


** photo was taken on the way out Ross Town, Tasmania, in Feb 2012 **

Amniocentesis

baby bean: 18  weeks and 5 days.

After our morphology scan on Tuesday, we went to see our GP for the result. The doctor said our baby has a very low potential of being a down syndrome, hence, I need to do a blood and amniocentesis test asap.


Though Kevin and I have discussed about whether or not keeping our baby if she is down syndrome, it was still new and overwhelming to me. My mind went blank and couldn't continue to listen to the doctor.


I burst into tears and could not help myself out though it was a very low chance of risk... For me, as a mother-to-be, I don't like taking risks especially risk on someone i love deeply and so much already.


I understand this isn't even the tiniest mater of mater to the entire world, but it's already sounded like the end of my world. I started questioning and blaming on myself whether i did something really bad to force her have to sacrifice with me, i blame on myself if i have been eaten unhealthy food, I blame on myself basically every single stupid and tiniest thing i couldn't have thought of before. Being a mother is truly strong and powerful, but being a mother-to-be is weak as me right now sometimes, isn't it?


I know it's not even the tiniest mater of mater to the world at all, please allow myself to be selfishly enlarge my tiniest fact that risks on my beautiful daughter-to-be's life to the max and allow my to cry our for the night so I am able to act fine from tomorrow. I am only hoping, in the coming future when I look back this particular blog, I can laugh myself out loud and yell how silly and funny I used to be.

Good morning

It's always an exciting thing to meet up new friends and especially new housemates. There are 2 new housemates moving in today and they're originally from Taiwan.  They took overnight and long distance train traveled from Sydney to Brisbane, all the way here to find a part-time job as Working-Holiday travelers.

I believe part of the meaning of creating 'Working Holiday Visa' is for foreigners is to welcome and allow themselves take a year off, experiencing the nature of Australian beauty and at the same time they also have some sort of reasonable income to support their journey.

Most of Taiwanese friends that i know are too scared to give up their permanent job in Taiwan (because of the economic crisis and job vacancy shortage) to take the rare and treasure adventure. Also they don't have enough confidence in their spoken English skill. I'm very proud of people who at least take the risk, coming to Australia.

There is a very interesting fact i find in some of our working-holiday friends: They tend to earn as much money as possible throughout the whole year limit and forget about experiencing the natural beauty. I have been away from Taiwan for years, though I know how hard it is to find a job and make good income, I am not actually experiencing and suffering from all the difficulties, I guess i have no right to blame on people who use this opportunity to bring as much money back and don't care about just having fun and traveling. However I still deeply feel what a pity it is.

This is one of the photos I took when we were in Tasmania, on the way back from Cradle Mt. I still remember the cold wind stabbed through my face and the raining afternoon. We were not lucky enough to escape from the rain and spend time in Cradle Mt but this was definitely a worthwhile trip. Oh my goodness, food in Tasmania is amazing! Must try their fresh salmon and fish pie!